i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
