I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
