You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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