My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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