What tipped you off? The sombrero?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
