the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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