He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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