I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
