i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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