Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
