I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
