I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
FUCK WHALES
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
