Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
