when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize