You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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