When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize