I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I bet he comes in French.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
