he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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