U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
