It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
