saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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