I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
