First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
