When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
