I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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