Pregnant stripper...not hot.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
