shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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