Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
