I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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