god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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