I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize