Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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