that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
