Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
