my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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