I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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