I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
