I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Randomize
