what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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