I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
