plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
