nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
This is classic penis vs brain.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
All I want is dick and wine.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
