I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize