I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
