oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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