She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
