me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
