I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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