Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
