It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
