hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
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