what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
