I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
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