I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize