If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
