you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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