if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
