Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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