I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize