The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
How external is "for external use only"?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
