I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
