shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
